Baby Zion's Story

Losing Baby Boy Zion…the baby announcement we didn’t share. 

While I have seen many friends announcing the exciting “soon to be birth of their new little one,” I have been waiting. First I saw friends sharing dates around June 2015 when our baby was to be born and now I see friends sharing dates after the time when our baby was to come. All that time I was waiting. Holding my breath and praying that we wouldn’t experience another 2^nd trimester loss and that we too would be able to announce our baby’s upcoming birth. With having lost baby Jordan (my second pregnancy) at 19 weeks I was hesitant to share our exciting news with anyone until we were past that point. Today I would have been 20 weeks along and now instead of sharing about our baby’s upcoming birth, I’ve decided to share about his loss. At 16 weeks I delivered our sweet little baby boy. We named him Zion. Here is his story. 

I’ve been debating for a few weeks whether or not I would share our story with friends and family. I guess I’ve decided to share because we feel Zion is now a part of our family and we would like to share his story with you. I’ve also decided to share to help give some insight into what a women and family go through during multiple 2^nd trimester losses. I hope that maybe in some why it will help bridge the gap between you and any family members or friends you have that might be going through pregnancy loss. I hope this helps you understand where they are coming from and shares some things that you might be able to do or say to help comfort them during their trying time.

I guess overall though, the most important message I would hope to leave is that even during times of trial we can have hope. All who are broken and hurt can find peace and healing through the Savior, no matter what your trial is. He can make us whole again.

To start out I’ll share Zion’s story. Like I said earlier in my message, we had NOT been announcing our pregnancy. It hurt to see other friends and family excited as they announced their babies that would soon be coming. I wanted to share, but I was afraid we would lose another baby during the 2^nd trimester. So I watched as everyone else around me near the 12 week mark announced their baby while I kept my mouth quiet for the most part. I was praying and hoping that we too would be able to share our exciting news. It seemed so unfair to me that everyone else would get through the first trimester and have no fear of losing their baby. I get through the first trimester and keep waiting and praying.

I had delivered Jordan on January 1, 2014 at the 19 week mark (if you want to read his story here is the link). It just about broke me to go through his loss. I never thought that they would tell me half way through my pregnancy that my baby was dead and that his heart had stopped beating. It hit me pretty hard. Then on April 21, 2014 (with my third pregnancy) I experienced a miscarriage. It hurt a lot to get pregnant and hope that we would have another baby come, only to lose that baby a few weeks after we found out.

With the baby we miscarried in April I had told myself not to get excited about the pregnancy. Than finally when I adjusted my attitude and told myself that I needed to be grateful and get excited about things…I lost the baby. Everyone had told me that the pregnancy was a blessing from God. It was a tender mercy that I was pregnant again. This little baby was due December 2014 and I would have them in my arms before I had to go through the one year anniversary of losing Jordan that following January 2015. Sadly I did lose the baby and they never made it into my arms this last December. Can you see now why I was hesitant to announce our pregnancy?

I should mention that my first pregnancy was a normal healthy 41 week delivery. That miracle is my now 2 ½ year old son Tanner. After him though I had now lost two pregnancies, one at 19 weeks and one at 6 weeks. I was now considered more of a high risk situation so when I became pregnant a 4^th time and I was told to go in early to monitor things.

They wanted me in at 6 weeks to do an ultrasound and find a heartbeat. With the last two losses all I had were sad memories during ultrasounds of not finding my baby’s heartbeat. I was terrified to go in to have an ultrasound done. I planned it so Trent could come with me to the appointment. If they didn’t find a heartbeat I wanted him there. I couldn’t face any more bad news without him by my side.

Thankfully we found a heartbeat. Baby had a heartbeat and was measuring right where they should be. What a miracle! When the tech left I sat down next Trent and cried silent tears of gratitude. It was so amazing to see that heartbeat on an ultrasound and know that a baby was growing inside of me.

Maybe I should back up and mention the overwhelming feeling of joy I had when we found out I was pregnant with this baby. Trent and I had been trying to get pregnant with this little one. With our first THREE pregnancies we had gotten pregnant on our first attempt. I know, amazing right!!! We would just decide that we wanted to have another baby, we would stop protecting and see what would happen...and we were always able to get pregnant. It always just happened, on the first time like that. However, this time was different.

We had given me a few months to recover after losing the miscarriage in April and then when we decided to try again we didn’t get pregnant. It was so frustrating to me. If felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant and I wasn’t. By this point we had reached a year mark of when I had been pregnant with Jordan. It was hard to see others getting pregnant while I thought to myself “I was pregnant over a year ago, and I don’t have a baby in my arms. Not only that, but I am not EVEN pregnant with the hope of having a baby in my arms in nine months.”

Let’s just say it was a hard time for me. I was struggling a lot emotionally and it was beyond frustrating to take pregnancy tests over and over again only to find out they were negative. After not getting pregnant for like 5-6 cycles I was hurting, a lot. Note: Yes, I do realize this is about the typical amount of time it takes to get pregnant. However, I had been wanting and aching for a baby over a year ago, and more than that I had had the hope of having a baby on two different occasions during that time period…so it was just hard to be at a point were I was not even getting pregnant with the hope of having a baby in nine months.

As you can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant with this baby I was overjoyed. I couldn’t wait to see if I was pregnant and I actually took the pregnancy test at 2 am in the morning. When I read it was positive I fell to my knees right there in the bathroom sobbing, giving thanks in prayer that I was finally pregnant. Trent and I were finally expecting a baby to come into our family! I was worried about the pregnancy because of past losses, but at least we were finally pregnant! At least now we had a small glimmer of HOPE for a new little one to come into our lives. I woke up a sleeping Trent and told him the good news…he was happy too ;)

I should probably get back to the part where we were at. Sorry for the detour. I just wanted to explain a little bit of the background so you could see where I was coming from emotionally. It was incredible to finally be pregnant and to finally see a heartbeat on an ultrasound. I was told I was due June 28, 2015. (A year and a month after we would have Jordan, if Jordan had been born…he was due on May 28, 2014)  

After the ultrasound we met with the doctor and began discussing my pregnancy history. I HATE this part. I have to back up for the past year and a half and mention every loss we have had to go through. She says something like, okay this is your fourth pregnancy and we are just going to look at it as its own pregnancy, separate from everything else. She then goes on to explain to me that I have a sub chorionic hemorrhage (click here to read about it) and that I have about a 10%-15% HIGHER chance then a normal pregnancy that I could lose this baby. My heart fell.  

Not like I wasn’t already stressed out enough that we could loss this baby! Then the doctor goes on to tell me I have an “increased chance” to lose the baby…NOT cool. Plus my hemorrhage was on the larger side, which some think can be more dangerous, or more likely to cause you to lose the baby. I was pretty sad. I cried the whole way to my sister’s house until I picked up Tanner. Here is an image of the hemorrhage. You can see the baby and then up and over toward the right is the hemorrhage.

That night Trent and one of our home teachers gave me a priesthood blessing of healing. (click here to learn more). It helped me to calm down emotionally and feel at peace. I know there is power in the priesthood and I knew that if it was God’s will that he could heal me. I was really hoping for the hemorrhage to reabsorb. That was the best outcome I could have. If the hemorrhage reabsorbed it wouldn’t be there for me to worry about, wondering if it could cause the baby to miscarry or be stillborn. I didn’t want to wonder and worry during the whole pregnancy.

I also didn’t want to bleed the hemorrhage out. I knew that if I bleed it out I would be in a panic. Since I had gone through a miscarriage in April, bleeding to me equaled “my baby is aborting.” I didn’t want to start bleeding and wonder if I was miscarrying and needed to go to the emergency room or if I was just bleeding out the hemorrhage and that everything would be fine.

In two weeks I went in for a follow up appointment to check on the size of the hemorrhage. I had not experienced any bleeding up to that point. I kept praying that at that appointment they would tell me the hemorrhage had reabsorbed. And that is actually what happened! The doctor did another ultrasound and she told me it had reabsorbed. She couldn’t see the hemorrhage anywhere. I knew then, as I still know now, that I had been healed by the power of the priesthood. How wonderful it was to not have the hemorrhage as an added stress to this pregnancy. I already felt worried enough as it was that I might lose this one.

The pregnancy was up and down. I struggled emotionally. It felt like one big, long, roller coaster ride. Every day it felt like I went from hopeful and optimistic to worried and faithless. If you could imagine my thoughts I think they went something like this, “You need to trust and have hope, everything is going to work out, where is your faith?” (Believe that the baby will be okay!) Then at times I would feel, “You need to be ready to accept God’s will, and trust that he knows what you need.” (Be ready to experience another loss, you need to trust in God and his timing). Yeah, it was pretty brutal…and then during all of this I was actually having a hard pregnancy.

A pregnancy where you feel totally tired, exhausted, and nauseous too. This was by far my most nauseous pregnancy yet. That didn’t help and I was also taking progesterone and a thyroid pill daily to hopeful increase my chances for a healthy pregnancy. We had planned it that way with the doctors to hopefully increase my chances for a good deliver, but the pills were kind of annoying.

Then I got sick too, when I am pregnant I get colds way too easily…I went through a vomit flu bug, about 3 colds lasting like 2 weeks each, and then some fun infections that I was able to take meds for (all approved safe for pregnancy of course, they only leave you with diarrhea for about a week..lol). Did I mention the pregnancy hemorrhoids??? Yeah, those hurt a lot! It felt hard, but during all of it I just kept trying to remind myself that I WAS PREGNANT! BE GRATEFUL! I tried to keep up my excitement and remind myself during the hard days that it was all worth it. We were going to be blessed with a baby!

Yes, the pregnancy was hard, but I did feel happy to be pregnant. I imagined how pregnant my belly would look during the picture we took at Trent’s graduation in May. It was perfect! Trent was finally going to graduate from pharmacy school and we were finally going to have another baby join our family, which we had been wanting and hoping to have happen for so long.  

I imagined Tanner having a sibling to play with. I even purchased a new playpen I had been dreaming of for months. The secondhand playpen we were using for Tanner was totally falling apart. I had been debating buying a playpen since last summer when I was “yard saling.” I passed up a few, because we weren’t getting pregnant and I didn’t know what our situation was going to be. Would we ever have another baby? Was I being too optimistic? When we finally saw the playpen I had been wanting, the newer one with a cradle and changing table on it, for like a third of the price during Christmas….well ,we I decided to take a leap of faith, trusting that this baby was going to come. “Let’s buy it, we are going to have this baby, and we will need a new playpen.” I was so excited when that playpen arrived in the mail in December. To me it signified the hope we finally had for a baby to join our family.

I started to worry more about the baby during Christmas time. We had lost Jordan January 1^st of last year. I was 19 weeks along, but the doctors say he had stopped growing around weeks 15 to 16. I was going to be about 15-16 weeks with this pregnancy right after Christmas. I started to panic a little. I kept wanting to know if the baby was okay. I found my thoughts often wondering to that. “Is the baby still growing?” Are they okay? I had an appointment scheduled after Christmas so we could check on the baby then, but it felt like forever away. I just wanted to know that everything was okay.

We spend Christmas in California visiting Trent’s parents. Tanner loved his time with grandma and grandpa, we did too and it was nice to have a change of scenery. We drove home on Wednesday, January 7, 2015. On Thursday, January 8, 2015 we unpacked and took down Christmas. My left calf was hurting and I started to worry that I might have a blood clot from the 13 hr. drive we had just driven. We had tried to get out every 2-3 hours to walk around like the doctor had told me to do. I wasn’t sure if I had a blood clot, but we figured it was better to be safe than sorry. We hadn’t done anything active the past few days and I was only hurt in my left calf, not both of my calves which seemed off.

We took Tanner to my parent’s house and headed to an urgent care around 8pm that night. They told me I would need to go to an emergency room, because they didn’t have the type of equipment to check for a blood clot. The emergency room was right next to the urgent care so we just walked over there.

I have bad memories with emergency rooms. Last time I went to one, it was because I had started bleeding during my third pregnancy. The next day I miscarried the baby. I was not real happy to go to an emergency room again. I associated it with waiting, bad news, and loss.

While we were there the nurse told me we could check on the baby. This was a big relief to me since I had been wondering if things were okay with the baby. We had returned home from Christmas stuff, but my baby appointment wasn’t until Tuesday of next week. The nurse came in with a Doppler to check for the baby’s heartbeat. She couldn’t find one and asked if they had found one before on the Doppler. I told her I didn’t know because they always did an ultrasound at my appointments because I was a higher risk pregnancy. I told her that I imagined at 15 weeks they would find the heartbeat though…. She said she would get the simple ultrasound machine and just look for the heartbeat.

I was a little alarmed, but I thought…maybe the baby is just down really low and they aren’t able to get the heartbeat. She started looking around with machine. She took some time looking and still couldn’t find the heartbeat. She told us she was pretty novice at the ultrasound machine so we shouldn’t worry and she was going to get another nurse to come check.

The second nurse, we were told, had worked in a high risk OB and was used to taking lots of ultrasounds. She too was taking a long time to look at things. At this point I started to panic a little. In my mind I’m telling myself, “calm down, it’s okay, the baby is going to be fine.” I start praying desperately that they will find a heartbeat. The nurse makes some excuse saying that she can’t find the heartbeat either. Something about how she is only used to looking really quickly before a deliver to make sure the baby’s head is down. She says she doesn’t want to alarm us, but maybe the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. She told us that it is possible that the baby could be in a 20 min. rest cycle and so it isn’t moving, and for some reason she just can’t find the heartbeat. They go to get the doctor and we wait. I think by this point they shut our emergency room door so we can’t hear them on the other side. That is never a good sign.

I begin praying my guts out. Please Heavenly Father, please just let the baby be okay. Please, please, please, let them find a heartbeat. The doctor comes in. She isn’t saying much and I feel like I am holding my breath waiting till she tells me something. Over and over again I keep pleading in my mind. “Please let them find a heartbeat, please let them find a heartbeat.” Trent is at this point holding my hand and I am crying silent tears. I asked if she found a heartbeat. She told me that she was finding a faint heartbeat at 80...normally it is around 140. She wanted to do a follow up with the radiologist to look at things more closely. I sort of calmed down, and felt that things were going to be okay. Sure, we were likely having problems or something, but at least we had the heartbeat. I exhale a sigh of relief. Maybe something is wrong, maybe we could figure it out though, at least we have a heartbeat. We needed to wait for the technician on call to get to the hospital so we could go down to radiology.

I called my mom and dad to explain the situation and ask them to put Tanner down to bed, it is nearing 10pm. I tell them to pull out the playpen out from the basement so Tanner could go to sleep. We had just barely put the new playpen down in my parent’s basement for storage until the new baby arrived. I asked my dad to stay up for us so I could have a blessing from him and Trent when we get back. We told them it was likely that something was wrong with the baby.

While we are waiting for the technician to come for radiology, the other person shows up to check my veins in my leg to see if I have a blood clot. Turns out there is no blood clot, I guess that is sort of good news amidst everything. We just wait a bit until they can get me back to radiology. At this point my heart is calming a little. I keep telling myself, it is going to be okay…we have a heartbeat. Maybe we have a rough pregnancy ahead, but we have a baby with a heartbeat.

We finally get to radiology. The lady starts checking things and isn’t saying much. I had told her when we arrived, that I do better while she is doing things if she talks as she goes along, explaining to me what is happening. She isn’t saying anything even after I asked her to, so I start to get a little panicked inside. Then she says those words, those words that shatter my world… those stupid, horrible, words which they always seem to tell me!

“I’m sorry. The baby no longer has a heartbeat.” She turns off her monitor. I of course am in denial at this point. I say something about how the doctor found a heartbeat and that the baby moved for her. How can their heart have stopped beating? I ask if we can see the baby. She turns on a screen for me. She shows the heart chamber and points out that you can sort of see this tiny movement in this one area, but that it is my heartbeat, not the baby’s. She tells me “The doctor must have seen your heartbeat.” “Hold your breath and look at the baby.” The baby is still and doesn’t move.

She mentions that the baby is measuring at 15 weeks. I am 15 weeks and 4 days according to my last period. In my head I’m thinking, “When did the baby’s heart stop?” “Why is this happening?” I asked her if we could have some pictures. (I remembered that when Jordan died I tried everything I could to get anything that connected me to him. That included calling up the place where we had his last ultrasound at and asking them if we could get the pictures they had on file). This time I was more prepared. I knew I would want those pictures of my baby so I asked her to take some of them before I might lose that chance. She was kind and took some images of the baby’s profile and then printed them out for us. She left the room.

I turned to Trent in the chair next to the exam bed as my eyes fill with tears and said, “No…NO! We are supposed to keep this baby!” I begin sobbing. He tries to half hold me as I lay there in an attempt to comfort me. I keep crying until the doctor, tech, and nurse come in. They tell us they are sorry and try to answer some questions for us. They tell me they will call the doctor’s office and I can decide with my doctor how I will proceed forward from this point. I didn’t ask too many questions. All the questions I have would best be answered by a perinatologist. All I want to ask is “Why am I losing my babies at this point?” So, with little information coming from that medical team, all I can think about is how badly I want to get out of the ER. I wanted out of there as fast as possible. I hate the ER.

That night was rough. We got back to my parent’s house around midnight. I received a priesthood blessing from my dad and Trent. Again, like last time with Jordan, all I wanted to be told in my blessing was that the baby was mine. All I wanted to hear was that the baby was ours, that it belonged to our family, and their spirit was in heaven waiting for us to raise them during the millennium. I didn’t hear that, even though during the blessing I was pleading for this.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me though. I never got that right away with Jordan like I had wanted. Instead with Jordan it was a process. In time though we have come to know through the Spirit that Jordan is our son and we will raise him during the millennium. It appears that this will also be the case with this baby. We will need to go through a process to understand everything. However, I do know that our prayers will be answered in the Lord’s way in in his own time. 

In the blessing I was told that this was Heavenly Father’s will for me. That I had taken all the right actions leading up to this point (basically this helped me to know that nothing I had done caused this to happen). At the time of the blessing I felt horrible, like “Why do I keep losing my babies at this point? Is it because I am not eating healthy enough? Was it too much sugar? Should I not have taken those medications for the infections I had, etc.? Is it because I am exercising too hard or is it because I am not exercising enough? Why?” You really start to doubt yourself. Like, “What is wrong with me? What did I do that caused this?” After the blessing though I felt very strongly that this was in line with God’s will for us. I felt like I didn’t understand why, but that I knew that it was His will and in time I would understand why.

Many other comforting things were said in the blessing. I stayed up typing in my journal till around 2am. Bless Trent’s sweet heart. He sat near me on the couch to comfort me. Just having him by me helped. He eventually dosed off and I just kept typing. After we finally did get to bed, I slept horribly. I woke up around 6:30am and couldn’t sleep. I just laid there tossing and turning…crying off and on. I kept thinking about the baby and how they were dead. My heart hurt so much. Finally after what seemed forever I went in and out of sleep until 8ish.

I woke up to a crying Tanner. He had stripped his clothes off and peed in his playpen. (Trent was supposed to get up at 7:30am to get Tanner out so he could go potty and not pee in his playpen…but Trent had decided in the early morning hours to change the alarm to later time hoping that Tanner would be alright until 8:30. Oops). How do you blame the poor guy though? I wasn’t willing to get up for Tanner either and he had gotten just as little of sleep as I had.

Anyway, it was sort of a rude awakening. Waking up to Tanner, having peed in the new playpen that was supposed to be for the new baby, that we had just been informed last night was dead. It was a little hard. We had taken a leap of faith when we bought it and it hurt so much to see that Tanner had peed in the playpen. It was meant for our new unborn baby, that I now knew was not coming to join our family.

I wasn’t Tanner's fault for peeing in there. We should have gotten up earlier to get him out so he could go to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was cry! I just picked Tanner up and held him to my body. I sat down on the couch for a good few minutes crying while I held him. He was my little baby boy and he was growing up too fast. I now knew we weren’t getting a new little one as we had hoped. Tanner was still going to be my baby in the present and he was getting way too big.

It was a hard day. I cried off and on to the extent that my eyes turned pink and puffy. I had no appetite and felt numb. We arranged things with the doctor and I felt like the best option for me would be a delivery. I knew it was going to be harder physically, but I wanted to see my baby and hold them. Having gone through everything previously with Jordan, I knew that I needed to go through that step in order to more fully heal from our loss. We talked with a few family members to explain what had happened and that we were going into the hospital that night to start the delivery. We arranged for someone to watch Tanner for us too.

I debated whether or not I should call my cousin, who is a professional photographer to take pictures for us at the hospital. It felt like it was so much to ask of someone. I think because to me having those pictures meant so much. I struggled…. “How do you ask someone to take pictures of your dead baby?” Yet, the biggest regret I have from Jordan’s loss is that I didn’t take a picture of him. Sure we have a few pictures of his hands and feet that the hospital gave us, but I don’t have a full picture of all of him. I thought about taking one at the time of his delivery with my phone, but I felt like other people would think that was weird or something, so I didn’t do it. This time I knew I wanted to have pictures. I knew to have them to look back on, to treasure and reflect on, would really help me heal. I decided to ask my cousin and she was so kind and willing to do that for us, it was so sweet of her.

That night we arrived late at the hospital. I mean…who really wants to go to the hospital when you know you are going there to deliver your dead baby. We showed up about a half an hour late. I noticed as we checked in that my name was the only one on the board with the heart next to it. It must be something the nurses use so they know to treat you kindly. Trent also noticed a paper cutout of a leaf on our door. I think it coincides with the leaf that is on the grief packet we receive from the hospital. It must be their “code” to let everyone know, you are the one delivering the dead baby, just so they know to be nice to you. It feels weird to know that they know…you sort of feel singled out. It makes sense though. I should mention that all of the doctors and nurses were very nice to us. I have been very impressed with the hospital staff both during this delivery and also last time when I delivered Jordan.

There were a few things that hadn’t gone through from my doctor to the hospital like she had said she would mention to them. First off I wanted another ultrasound. Yes, I knew my baby was dead, but I was still in denial and I wanted to see from another doctor with another machine that my baby was in fact dead. I was not about to start a medication to deliver them until I saw that again.

They also didn’t know about the labs I wanted drawn. I figured, why make another trip to the hospital in a few days. I’m already here. I know which test I want you to do so we can look further into why I am losing babies, so let’s just do them here and now. Anyway a few things had fallen through the cracks, but we got them sorted out.

I began crocheting a blanket for my baby. I remembered with Jordan we needed to have a blanket for him to be cremated in because he was so small, that they wouldn’t get enough ashes without the blanket. Since both babies had stopped growing around the same time I figured we would need a blanket for this baby too. We figured we couldn’t afford the coffin, but if we had the baby cremated we could decide later on if we would have his cremated remains buried. This is what we had decided to do with Jordan. Burying Jordan’s remains helped bring me a lot of peace. I was so anxious and couldn’t really sleep at night until his remains were buried and in a dedicated grave. I imagined we would want to go through the same process with this baby if we knew it was going to help me heal.

I wanted to make something for the baby. (Heck, I had been planning on crocheting a lot of thing for the baby once I found out its gender in a few weeks around the 20 week mark, instead though I would be delivering this one at 16 weeks). It felt like crocheting that blanket for my baby was one of the only things I could offer them.

I had so many hopes and dreams for this baby. I felt like there was so much love bottled up inside of me that I wanted to share with the baby. So much love I wanted to give them. I wanted so badly to love them and care for them! So many things I wanted to do for them. So much service I wanted to offer them. Oh, how I ached that we were never going to get the chance to spoil this baby during this life with all of our love! Making this blanket for them meant the world to me. I guess because in a way the baby meant the world to me and it felt like this was all I could give them.

I thought that after the baby was delivered we were going to find out that it was a girl. Mainly because I had been so sick during this pregnancy compared to my first two boy pregnancies I had previously had. I figured I better be safe rather than sorry though and I crocheted a solid white blanket. I’m not going to lie I was tempted to add a few lines of pink or purple to it, but I didn’t just in case we found out the baby was a boy.

I started working on that. I should mention this tender mercy. The nurse that came during the night change was the same nurse that was there during Jordan’s delivery. She was the one who had been helping me at the beginning of the night, she had to leave before Jordan was born, and another nurse, whom I love and who did an amazing job, was there during the time when Jordan came. However, I had clicked well with this first nurse too and it thrilled me that she would be the one likely to be with me during the delivery with this baby. What a kind, tender mercy. She remembered us, and we remembered her, and it was just nice to have that connection during another hard and trying time.

She explained the process and placed the first dose of medication. I would receive one every 4 hours. It was around 8:00pm. I crocheted and Trent read the scriptures to me. We listened to some of a book on tape that was left over from our trip and then Trent wanted to watch Wreck-it- Ralph. I just kept crocheting. Finally I felt like the blanket was big enough for the baby. I wasn’t sure how big the baby would be but I kept trying to remember how big Jordan had been when we delivered him. I got ready for bed and thought I would try to nap a little...for like 30 min. before the nurse came back in to bring me another dose of medication.

I was still trying to debate if I should do the epidural or not. I knew it would be helpful if we had to do a follow up D and C if after the delivery if the placenta didn’t detach from the uterus like it did with Jordan, but I didn’t want to lose my ability to get up and walk around if I didn’t need to. Also, I had such a hard time with my back after the last epidural. It took like 3 months to get over it. We were likely going to have insurance problems again after the pregnancy since we are in the gap and I only qualify for Medicaid when I am pregnant…so I was hesitant to get an epidural.

Around midnight they gave me more medication. I took some ibuprofen. I was cramping, but not too bad so I still wanted to wait for an epidural. I decided to try to get some sleep. Thankfully I was so tired that I was able to sleep. It was more restful than restless which I was grateful for.

I woke up around 4ish for some more medication. This time I asked the nurse to check me. I was only at like a 1 and a half. I wasn’t cramping bad so I wasn’t worried about the baby coming just yet…. the labor wasn’t really progressing. In my mind I thought that maybe the baby wouldn’t be born until late morning around 9am or 10am at the rate we were going. I was dilated to a 7 when Jordan came out. Once the medication was in I tried to rest some more. Not too long after this I felt this rush of liquid and my water broke.

At this point I think I will spare the reader and leave out some details. Let’s just say it was bloody, traumatic, and broke my heart. The baby came in a less pleasant way then I had anticipated and not when I expected. I was not prepared emotionally at that time for the baby to come, nor was I ready for them to come the way they did. It wasn’t until we got the blood cleaned up and I got back into bed. That I was able to finally just calm down and hold my baby.

When the nurse cut the umbilical cord and handed me the baby she told me it was a little boy. Though I had thought at one point this baby might be a girl, to see his little penis it was very clear that this was a little boy...lol. It looks like Trent is going to keep the odds of our family numbers in his favor...haha...3 little boys!

It was so calming to just hold my baby. I was surprised at how small he was, he seemed a bit smaller than Jordan, but he still looked like a baby. I held him and I asked Trent to take some pictures. The baby had come but the placenta wasn’t detaching from the uterus. I was starting to dilate further so the cramping became a little more intense. I had not had an epidural. They needed me to dilate further so they gave me some more medication and then they started monitoring the amount of blood I was losing. It was sort of a waiting game at this point so they gave us some time alone with the baby, for which I was grateful.

Trent held me and I held the baby. Trent offered a prayer. It helped bring peace and a special sacred feeling into the room. I had said prayers previously asking to know if we should name the baby and what the name should be. This really mattered to me. I wanted to know if this baby was ours. Did the baby receive its spirit? Would I raise it during the millennium?

I felt like my heart was telling me I would. I mean I had received answers with Jordan and we knew he was ours. His body had stopped growing around the same point as Zion’s did, so it would make sense that this baby would be ours too. I believe like life begins with a heartbeat and if there is a heartbeat then there is a spirit. Yet, the question remains debated, what happens to that spirit? Will it be assigned to a new body or has that spirit received its body and now it is done with its mission on earth? I feel like each case might be different, maybe that is why the brethren have not reviled doctrine concerning stillborn babies.

At this time though I really did feel that this baby had received his spirit and that it would likely be our child which we would be blessed to raise during the millennium. If that was the case, then naming our child would be the first step. Obviously if we didn’t feel we should name the child then it likely wasn’t a specific spirit that belonged to that body. I began pleading to know what to do.

I kept saying silent prayers in my heart that I would know if we should name the baby. And if so “What should his name be?” This meant so much to me. I wanted this direction to come as revelation from Heaven. 

We just sat there, Trent holding me and me holding the baby as we cried, mainly me crying. Trent had told me that he wasn’t really comfortable with the idea of holding the baby, and having him with us for a long time while we were at the hospital. We had talked about this before we went into the hospital. I told Trent I wanted to have time with the baby and if he wasn’t comfortable with it, that was okay, but I still wanted to hold the baby and spend time with them. So if he wanted to step out of the room that would be fine.

When the baby came though, Trent seemed to be okay with seeing him and staying around him. Which was good, because I was not about to let go of my baby. I continued to hold him. To hold him seemed to be filling my heart with peace. My heart felt so broken and it needed as much peace and healing as it could get.

I continued to bleed, quite a lot. I was getting around the 700 ml point. At this point Trent and I sort of suggested just having me go to the Operating Room to have a follow up D and C to remove the placenta. Now that I had delivered the baby and could hold them, I didn’t really care what else I had to go through. There was no point to keep bleeding out and possibly need a blood transfusion. The doctors wanted to try one last attempt to speed up the dilation. They gave me a shot of medication to get me to dilate quickly to a 10 in hopes that the placenta would detach so we went ahead with that.

Pretty soon after though, I felt like I possibly had passed the placenta. I called the nurse back to our room. She started examining things, thinking it was the placenta. It was not. Instead it was like 3-5 fist size blood clots. She said, “Oh, no this is not the placenta, these are blood clots, let’s get you to the OR.” (With Jordan I also had major blood clots during the labor. We are beginning to wonder if I might have a blood clotting disorder of some sort. For example, if I had a blood clotting problem I could potentially have had a blood clot that could have gotten stuck in the umbilical cord during my pregnancy. This would cause a blockage and the blood would stop flowing freely from me to the baby and cause their heart to stop beating. We are looking further into this with our perinatologist).  

They wheeled my bed out of the room and I handed over the baby so they could try to get footprints, etc while I was gone. I went into the OR. Even though I had not had an epidural to this point, I would have to have a spinal done so we could proceed forward with a D and C. The spinal was sort of hard. I was sitting up trying not to pass out while they poked my back. It wasn’t very fun at all. I was really lightheaded at his point. Then it felt weird to have my legs go numb, but it was relieving to have the cramping pains go away with it.

They began the procedure. While I was there in the room thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. I had a very clear prompting from the Spirit that we should name our baby "Zion." Never in a million years would I have thought to name my child Zion, yet there was the name, so clearly given that I felt that it was what we were meant to name our baby boy. With it came this urgent feeling that I should also find out the meaning of the name.

They finished the procedure and things were okay….well sort of. When they took of my oxygen I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I started to cough but really couldn't because...the meds they had given me slowed down my breathing. I tried not to panic. I told them I felt like I was going to throw up. They got me a bag and then I puked...sideways into the bag…as I laid there…Hahaha, not the most pleasant moment in my life.

They wheeled my bed back to the room. I quickly told Trent that I felt we should name the baby Zion. I asked him to look it up in the bible dictionary. I had to know what it meant. He told me “the pure in heart.” As I heard those words peace washed over me. It seemed so fitting for our little guy. I knew that the name had been revealed to me by revelation and that we were meant to name this little baby boy. I felt so much gratitude to have had my prayer answered and to know. I felt like losing this baby was so hard, but that we were not being left alone in our trial. Heavenly Father was with us guiding us, giving us direction, and comforting us.

Around this point my blood pressure began dropping. They put on oxygen and started pumping me with like 4 bags of IV fluids to try to bring my blood pressure back up. Then I got way cold because of all of the fluids. I started shivering like I’ve never shivered before. I suddenly had no control over my body. I was worried that I was going to accidentally bite my tongue since I had no control over my teeth. This went on for about 10 minutes, but it felt like forever. I almost felt like I was going to go into shock. I’m sure I wasn’t really going to, but I felt so horrible. They put warm blankets on me to try to help and Trent tried to rub my arm to warm me. He told me my arm was like ice where they had the IV. Finally my blood pressure was improving and one of the nurses slowed down the IV….thank heavens for some relief.

As things started to calm down I asked to hold Zion. I laid there holding him trying to rest. Eventually I started to feel better. I was able to eat some food and the feeling started to come back in my legs. We had my cousin come and take some pictures for us. With about 4 hours of time having passed since the delivery Zion’s body had dried and changed some, which was really sad to me. I wanted to take the pictures right when he had been born, so we could get good pictures with his tiny hands and feet, before they changed, but with everything surrounding the delivery that wasn’t really possible. However, we were able to take the pictures thanks to my sweet cousin, and I am so grateful to have them. They mean so much to me.

NOTE: I have wondered if I should share this next part because it is so special, yet I think maybe I should share it because it shows more fully what we went through.

As things calmed down and the nurse wasn’t there as much. Trent and I were able to spend some more time with Zion. This time became sort of a sacred time. Trent didn’t seem to be bothered that I was holding Zion and he seemed okay to spend time in the room with us. I held the baby and cried while Trent held me. At this point Trent started to cry, like really cry. He didn’t cry much with Jordan, really at all during the whole of his loss, and I was taken aback to see him crying while I held Zion.

I felt bad. I had been needing so much attention and had continually been turning to Trent for support and comfort that I had paid little attention to him and his needs. I asked him how he was doing and tried to comfort him by touching the back of his head with my hand that wasn’t holding Zion while he cried. Trent started typing something in his phone and then handed it to me (His sweet eyes flowing with tears as he looked at me).

The text read, “I was doing ok until I saw how you looked at little Zion and then it broke my heart. I pictured you giving that look to a little boy we could raise. It makes me want a little baby even more because I see how much you want that. I can’t tell you that out loud without crying lots.” I cried even more to see that Trent also has a desire for more children, and to see how much he loves and cares about me.

I cried to think about all of our hopes and dreams that were bundled up in this little baby. We had been aching for a baby for over a year now. It had been over a year and a half since I had been expecting baby Jordan. Since then we had lost Jordan and had a miscarriage, and now to lose this little one… it all just hurt way too much.

I thought about how badly we wanted a sibling for Tanner. Every time I see him get excited to go play with the neighbor kids, or go see his cousins it hurts. It hurts because we see that he wants a little friend and we keep trying so hard to give him that and we are unable to. It hurts that our family isn’t growing. We want to feel that joy as we become more whole as a family by having more children join us.

I thought about how much it hurts to no longer have Zion a part of my body. I felt so incomplete, so broken to think that he was gone now. When I reached for my tummy he would no longer be inside and it hurt to feel that. It was just about time for me to start feeling him move in my womb and I had wanted that so badly.

I had been thinking about this exciting step for weeks, how exciting it was going to be to FINALLY feel a little baby move inside of me. I was so excited for that connection to come. It had been a hard pregnancy and I had struggled with how difficult it had been both physically and emotionally. I was finally to a point in the pregnancy where I was starting to feel better physically, and I was almost to the point where I would be able to feel my baby start to move inside of me. It seemed like a little bit of heaven after all I had been going through. Now all of that excitement and hope was gone. My baby was dead. Right when I get to the fun part my pregnancy my baby has to die. Why did this have to happen?

I felt so sad, so hurt, I guess there is no other way to describe it except to say that I felt my heart was literally breaking. I just held onto that sweet little baby and Trent held onto me and we cried and cried. It was special and sacred moment.

Amidst the tears and sadness I did feel peace. My heart hurt, but it felt peaceful. I knew this was God’s will for us. Even though I didn’t understand why, and I was hurting more than I had ever hurt before, I kept holding onto a hope that everything was going to be okay.

One day I was going to understand God’s will. I was going to have answers to the prayers I had offered. Most importantly I knew without a doubt that I was going to feel whole again through my Savior Jesus Christ. We were not at that point now in all of our sorrow and pain, but I felt confident and hopeful that we would be there one day thanks to a loving Heavenly Father and his beloved son. It’s hard to describe. I felt pain and sorrow, greater than I have ever known, yet I felt peace and hope in my Savior stronger than I have experienced before.

It fills me with awe to think of the immense joy we will have when we actually one day do deliver a healthy full term baby. I am hopeful that one day we will, and I can only imagine how great our joy will be because of the intensity of pain which we have felt through our continual loss.

The nurses checked my blood levels, I was low but we were told I could go home. I just needed to rest for a while and drink lots of liquids. I realized that I was going to have to say goodbye to the baby soon. Trent and I said another prayer in private while the nurses were gone. I offered it this time. I prayed to understand God’s will for us, and to feel comfort and peace at this difficult time. I also prayed to know that Zion was a part of our family. Before letting Zion go I looked over him, held him and told him I loved him. Then I had the nurse place him on the counter and I told her she could take him away. I knew if I didn’t just tell them and do it, I was going to struggle to do so later on. Even after saying it I kept feeling like “I want him back, I want to hold him, let me hold him.” It was hard to leave him. I should mention that Trent held him here and there throughout the day. It was great to see Trent so accepting and willing to hold Zion.

We packed up things and left the hospital. That night as I read my scriptures I studied “The pure in heart.” I found this quote by President Marion G. Romney, "I can think of no blessing to be more fervently desired than those promised to the pure and the virtuous. Jesus spoke of specific rewards for different virtues but reserved the greatest, so it seems to me, for the pure in heart, 'for they,' said he, 'shall see God' (Matt. 5:8). And not only shall they see the Lord, but they shall feel at home in his presence."

I wonder if that is why we aren't being blessed with this little one in this life. Maybe Zion feels at home in the presence of God and he is meant to stay there. I am still searching for answers to things, but I am starting to feel that Zion is our son and that we will raise him during the Millennium.

As the weeks have passed since losing Zion I have had many answers to prayers for which I am grateful. I am also thankful for the comfort I have found while reading the scriptures. Many times when I have felt very sad and down, usually when I have a quiet moment alone and I am pondering Zion’s loss, I will turn to the scriptures. I feel the Savior replaces my sadness with words of hope and comfort, and feelings of peace. I feel like I am healing more quickly than I did when I lost Jordan.

I found this quote by Richard G Scott in the April 1994 General Conference. He said, “Healing can occur in the act, yet more often it occurs over a period of time determined by the faith and obedience of the individual and the will of the Lord. I feel that the pace is generally set by the individual, not by the Lord.”

I feel like maybe because of the trials of my faith that I went through with Jordan that my faith is stronger, better prepared to handle this trial with Zion. I feel like I am receiving answers to my prayers rather quickly, and that I am feeling peace and hope sooner than I did with Jordan. I like that Elder Scott goes on to say, “[The Lord] expects you to use other resources available, including competent professional help when indicated; then He provides the balance needed according to His will…” With all three losses I have experienced in about the last year and a half I am starting to feel like I should reach out to some pregnancy loss support groups. I have already touched base with a few and am hopeful that they too will help me in this healing process.

I wanted to share a few things that have really strengthened me during this difficult time. The talk, "Ponder the Path of Thy Feet," by President Monson has helped me a great deal. It is nice to know that I am not alone on this road of sorrow. The Savior has traveled this road and I can turn to him to comfort me.

It has also helped me to remember that God has not forsaken me. Satan tries to get me to think that I am not a good enough mother, that I haven’t been as faithful and as obedient as I should have been, or that I am not loved enough by God, and that is why I am going through all of these trials. I have to remind myself that I am enough, I am a good mother, and I am loved by God. I am just meant to go through the refiner’s fire at times. Trials are essential so that [I can prove myself] herewith, to see if [I] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [my] God shall command [me].(Abraham 3:25) At times I want to feel bitter towards God and say, “Why me?” Rather instead I try to choose not to feel bitter and turn away. Instead I try to turn to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit so that I may be healed.

Another talk, "Grateful in Any Circumstance" by Elder Uchtdorf  has been particularly helpful. Here is a quote I have loved,

“True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, ‘good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over’” It is comforting to me that my tears of sorrow will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy.

Let’s just imagine for a moment that the impressions I have received concerning Jordan and Zion are wrong, what if they aren’t my sons? At least I know that I will be compensated for their losses (my miscarriage too) and according to the Abrahamic covenant, in the eternities I can have a continuation of my seed if I prove faithful to my temple covenants. Why is it that other women get pregnant and have babies, but I can’t? It is unfair! It is an injustice! The Saviors atonement covers for that.

Here is a short 3 minute video of Elder Wirthlin explaining the “Principle of Compensation.” How amazing is this Principle! No matter what trial you go through, the atonement of Jesus Christ can make it possible for compensation. Do we not all have reason to rejoice and have hope amidst the tears? I should say we do have reason enough to rejoice :)

I want to share this last principle. Back to Elder Uchtdorf….he says, 

“In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.”

I love this! It brings me great comfort and joy to know that my losses are merely interruptions. My family is an eternal one, with children on the other side of the veil. These experiences are not ending, but rather beginning as I will one day be able to raise them on the other side. If I look at my family eternally why do I cry? We are growing, and quite rapidly in numbers, on the other side. I have three boys, maybe even another child there as well (the miscarriage). Plus I don’t even have to worry about their salvation (I worry about Tanner like everyday. Am I teaching him enough? Will he decide to choose right and be obedient?). With the babies we have lost I know that they are worthy for the Celestial Kingdom.

I remember that in the dedication prayer during Jordan’s graveside service Trent said that we would “Give thanks and praise one day to God,” for this experience we were going through with Jordan. At the time I wanted to scream, “How?!! How can I ever be grateful for all of this? All of the pain, all of the sorrow, how can I be grateful that Jordan isn’t here?!!” I still need to understand many things, but I am learning that if I look at things eternally I have much to give thanks and praise for.

Because of my Savior and his atonement I can be reunited with my children again to raise them later on. In the meantime during the trials my faith is growing and I am coming to know my Heavenly Father and Savior like I have never known them before. They are becoming my best friends through these trying times. I feel my faith and obedience is growing tenfold which would not have occurred had we not gone/if we were not going through these trials.

Here is a sweet video my sister shared with me on Facebook around the time I delivered Zion. I think it is very comforting. It reminds me that I am faithful and trying my hardest, but that trials will come, and I can still put my faith and trust in God.

Lastly concerning Zion I wanted to share one last thing. I do believe there are some spirits too pure to come to earth. Maybe this is the case with Zion. This quote by the prophet Joseph Smith has brought me comfort. These words were shared at a funeral of an infant.

“We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reason that presents themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it…grows more wicked and corrupt….The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil and we shall soon have them again….”  

Heavenly Father is truly kind. The name “Zion” seems so perfect. Not only does it mean “pure in heart” but one of my favorite hymns “Let Zion in her Beauty Rise” is all about the millennium. It brings me peace that maybe one day I will be able to raise this child during the millennium. The third verse reads,

That glorious rest will then commence

Which prophets did foretell,

When Saints will reign with Christ on earth,

And in his presence dwell

A thousand years, oh, glorious day!

Dear Lord, prepare my heart

To stand with thee on Zion's mount

And nevermore to part.

To end I wanted to share this quote by President Joseph Fielding Smith. It reads,

“There is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us. I cannot help feeling that this will be the case.

When a couple have a stillborn child, we give them all the comfort we can. We have good reasons to hope. Funeral services may be held for such children, if the parents so desire. Stillborn children should not be reported nor recorded as births and deaths on the records of the Church, but it is suggested that parents record in their own family records a name for each such stillborn child.” 

I do consider my children stillborn. I believe their bodies had spirits, and they came into this world still (with that spirit no longer being in their body). There is no doctrinal revelation concerning this matter but I do feel that I have “good reason to hope” that these children are mine. I believe that all women going through a similar situation have “good reason to hope.” And no matter what the outcome is I will put my faith in a loving Heavenly Father. He is just and I believe that if I am faithful and obedient I will receive a just reward. 

In short eternally speaking there are no sad endings, only “Happily Ever Afters” I know Heavenly Father loves us, his children, he is there if we will but seek him. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can find healing during times of sorrow. He can make our hearts whole again. I know now more than ever that the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ. He is my Savior and I love Him. 

Since Zion’s story was sort of ridiculously long (I never have been one for few words…sorry) I will write another blog post later on that has some basic “Helpful” and “Not so Helpful” things say or do to help someone during a time of a pregnancy loss. I think I would like to share those things as well, but maybe not in this post. Hopefully in a few weeks!