Jordan's "UnBirthday" - May 28, 2014

It is hard to put my feelings into words, so I guess to be truthful, I have been avoiding this post. I want to write my feelings out, and share these pictures with others though so I just need to do it. 

Some of you may have read my blog post about losing Jordan. I'm grateful I shared our story, it has helped me heal as well as bridge the gap I felt existed with others. It helped me to connect to them after losing Jordan. When you lose something that is so much a part of you, it feels hard to connect to people who don't approach you about your loss. Some are uncomfortable with loss so they didn't approach us and it even felt like some chose not to acknowledge our loss. Sharing our story helped to put things out in the open, so I think more people felt they could talk to us about it. I'm happy I did write our story if only for those reasons.

 However, as I look back and read those posts (Jordan's Story and Jordan's Graveside Service) I see where we were. I feel that since then so much healing has taken place for us and so many of our friends and family, who did read our story, are not aware of that healing. I fear they might think we are still in that place of pain and sorrow. While we still hurt, healing has been taking place, and we are doing better. I hope this post shows others a glimpse of our healing and hope.

Jordan was due May 28, 2014. Since his delivery in January I was becoming a little anxious about coming to his due date. We had expected him to join our family in May and we were hurting because he wasn't with us. Many family and friends I knew were having babies around this time and it was hard to see their precious little ones arrive while I knew that our baby would not be joining our family as we previously had hoped and anticipated.

The hospital bereavement center had called me off and on since loosing Jordan to see how I was doing. They recommending trying to set aside some time to think about him on his due date so that May 28th didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided to spend that day doing some special things to help us heal and think of Jordan. I wanted to turn it into a day of celebration instead of a day of sadness and sorrow because he wasn't with us. 

It turned out to be a special day. I baked Jordan an "UnBirthday" cake. While it baked I spent time reminiscing over all of the things we had that help us remember him. The shirt I wore to my Thanksgiving day race to announce the pregnancy, the pictures taken from some of the ultrasounds, the pictures taken of him after his delivery, the molds of his hands and feet the hospital gave us, the letter I wrote to him which was read at his graveside service, and the similar dinosaur and book we buried him with (we kept one for us and buried him with one). Remembering really helps me to heal.

I was also able to attend the temple. Since losing Jordan I think often of being be reunited with him. My temple covenants seem to have more meaning then they did before. Being found faithful to them in the end will mean I can be with my family in the eternities.They have always been important to me, but now I really see them as what will allow me be reunited with my son. Having him on the other side of the veil make me think and ponder my commitment to those covenants daily. So it only seemed fitting to take time on this special day to attend the temple.

Then as a family, once Trent was done with his rotations for the day we went to visit Jordan's Grave. We ate cake, and wrote messages to Jordan on balloons and then sent them off. Writing my thoughts out to him also helps me to heal. My parents were able to join us, which was also neat to feel of their love for us and Jordan. Thanks mom and dad!

Since Jordan's delivery I have felt my Savior and Father in Heaven comfort me. I feel they are letting me know that everything will be worked out for my good in the end. I feel that the veil, which separates us from those on the other side, can be very thin at times. Through special experiences I have come to believe and know that Jordan is my son. I believe there is a work for him to do on the other side and that one day we will be reunited as a family to raise him as our son.

 I have received those answers to my prayers which I was so desperately seeking when we first lost Jordan. I feel my heart is at ease with the situation we find ourselves in. We hurt at times because he is not here with us at this present moment, but I feel God is orchestrating our lives and this is how things are meant to be. I am grateful for personal revelation. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers, in His way and in His time, but he will always answer them when we seek earnestly. 

I know Jesus Christ is the Son of God. God sent his son to die for us that we might repent and one day be able to return back to be in their presence. Through our Savior's atonement the pain and sorrows of this life will one day be made right. I love him and pray that at judgement day I will be found a profitable servant and disciple. I give thanks that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to the earth in this the latter days. I am thankful for temple covenants that bind us as families in the eternities. May we be found faithful is my humble prayer, in Jesus name, amen.

We had a hard time getting Tanner to look at the camera.

 

 

 

Tanner really wanted to eat the cake. He tried to sneak some before we cut it. This boy loves sweets. 

Three Weeks Off...YAY!

Trent had a three week break during the first part of summer before he started his last year of pharmacy school. We had a lot of fun visiting family and and also enjoyed some time with just the three of us.

This is when we took care of my sister's kids for a few days while her and her husband enjoyed a cruise for their 10 year anniversary. It was fun to see how Trent and I handled five more kids in the mix. Here are some pictures of everyone reading during quiet time before bed.

We were also able to spend two days in Logan visiting Trent's brothers family. He loved playing outside with his cousins and he was also a big fan of the pirate ship they have down in their basement.

Trent and I were able to sneak off to enjoy a camping trip alone. Thanks to Aunt Trina watching Tanner for us, thank you! It has sort of become a tradition for Trent and me. This is our third year in a row having come to this campground, the same camp sight even, just the two of us. We do it around the end of April/beginning of May, sometimes for my birthday. It is so early in the season that we have always been the only campers, all of the other 5 sights are empty. I love being out in nature together and not having any loud neighbors near us. It is great! It really does feel like an escape from everything.

Trent thought these rock layers were pretty neat so I had to take a picture.

 

When Trent and I go camping, the food preparation is really important to us. We put a lot of effort into making nice meals we will love. We decided to try something new this trip, veggies covered with olive oil and Parmesan cheese. It was AMAZING! Definitely a new favorite of ours.

I also decided to try a new S'more...we happened to have Peanut Butter M&M's with us. Yeah those candy shells don't really melt well...lol. We won't be trying this one again.

 

I believe this was taken after we picked Tanner up from the trip. I laugh because he always wraps his blankets around his head. I'm guessing it is a comfort thing or something he does to help him stay warm. When I turned back to see this I had to take a picture. He is always doing this. I constantly go into his room at night to try to get the blankets away from his face after he has fallen asleep. I'm worried he will block his air flow. Usually in his crib he has them wrapped all around his head and face. Silly boy!