Baby Jordan's Story

This is not easy to write, but I want people to know of Jordan and how he has blessed our family and touched our lives. He is so much a part of us now that I feel to keep quiet and not let others know of him would, in a way, hide who we are now as a family from our friends. We want you to learn of Jordan and how he is now a part of us. I hope that through reading this story you will better come to know and love Jordan, us, and our Father in Heaven, whom I testify loves all of us, his children. 

I pray that as I write this my thoughts and words will be directed. It is hard to know how much to share because of the sacred nature of these events. It is also hard to know how much detail might be “too much” detail for others. There are some things that they might not care to know. At any rate this is Jordan’s Story.

On December 30, 2013 Trent and I went in for our “big” ultrasound, the one where you find out if your baby is a girl or a boy. I had been dying to know whether we were having a girl or a boy. About a week before I thought I would burst in anticipation. I had already decided how we were going to announce the sex, and was looking forward to taking a picture of a present with a pink and blue tied ribbon around it. We would simply say that we had received a late Christmas present and were excited to announce the sex of our soon to be born baby. Then we would take a picture after removing either the pink or blue ribbon and there you have it. I could hardly wait and we even made it to the ultrasound a little early, in hopes that they might get us in sooner. My sister, Trina had offered to watch Tanner, our 15 month old son, overnight for us so that we could make a celebration of it. After filling out a good amount of paperwork they finally showed us back to our room.

As the technician began things, she wasn’t talking much. I was just beginning to think, “what can I say to get this lady talking about what is going on?” That is when she said those few simple words that made our world shatter. She said, “There’s no heartbeat.” I was taken aback and she said in a more sincere way as she kindly touched my arm, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat. Your baby is measuring around 15 weeks gestation.”

When she said those words, it was like I had already heard them and they were a distant memory in my mind, “There’s no heartbeat.” I thought that I had felt the baby a few times, but it was earlier on in the pregnancy. As of recent I hadn’t been feeling the baby, and it was supposed to be growing bigger, so I should be feeling it more frequently right? I think deep down inside I had started to question if something was wrong. Why had I felt him previously but I wasn’t feeling him now? Prior to the ultrasound I had started to doubt my motherly instincts and wonder why I couldn’t feel my baby. I just kept telling myself, “you aren’t far enough along to feel him yet, don’t worry about it.” Really though, I think I had started to feel disconnected to the fetus that was inside of me. Something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t feel how I used to feel in the beginning stages of my pregnancy when I would put my hands on my tummy. It wasn’t the same. I just hadn’t let myself think on it for too long. More truthfully I wouldn’t let myself believe it.

I did not want to come to a realization that my baby was no longer living. At the beginning of December I had gone in for a checkup and everything was fine, we had a good heartbeat then. Why had things changed? Why are they telling me just a few weeks later that my baby is now gone? As I got off the table and sat down next to Trent. He held me and I started to cry. The people there contacted my midwife by phone and then came back to the room to tell us that we should head over to their office. They would let us know what to do from there.

When we arrived at their office I walked up to the front desk and the receptionist said to come right this way as she opened the door to the back. I have never before been hurried through a waiting room that fast. Once we were situated in a room my midwife came in to tell us about our options. She told us that since the baby was measuring about 15 weeks and I was 19 weeks along and there had been no signs of cramping or bleeding, it was not likely that the baby would abort on its own. Plus with me being halfway through the pregnancy and the baby being bigger we needed to look at other options.

They told me we could induce labor and deliver the baby, but that it was generally hard on the mother to deliver their baby stillborn and it usually lead to more complications. Such as the placenta not separating from the uterus so you need to do a D and C procedure (Dilation and Curettage procedure) following the labor, or I could hemridge, etc. They also said that it was harder to know after a delivery if everything from the placenta had left the body. With anything remaining, it could lead to infection and later complications. She explained that the D and E procedure (a Dilation and Evacuation procedure), was the best way to know that all parts of the baby had been removed. This procedure usually leads to fewer complications. They told us we didn’t have to make up or minds right then, but that we could think about it. From how they had put everything, health wise it only made sense to have fewer complications so we talked to them right then about possibly doing the D and E procedure.

My midwife left to set things up. When she was gone I told Trent that I wanted to have them take another ultrasound. I knew that this was partly because I was still in denial, but I had to know. I was already starting to panic in the back of my mind, “What if we have this procedure done, and everything was a lie, what if my baby is still alive?” She came back and I told her that I knew she wouldn’t find a heartbeat, but that I wanted to see and be sure with two different machines that my baby was in fact dead. She was kind enough to fulfill my request. Their machine was defiantly lower quality, as she had told me it would be, but I was able to see my baby’s image one more time. She showed a side view with the baby curled up in the fetal position. She pointed out the spine and then followed it along to the chest area where we would see a heartbeat. She said that the spine would be bouncing up and down if there were a heartbeat. There was nothing.

I was starting to accept the truth. My baby was no longer living and growing inside of me. Trent drove us home as I kept crying off and on. I called my sister and my mother to tell them the news. My sister asked if we wanted Tanner back for the night. I told her that I sort of felt panicked, like I needed to see Tanner and hold him to make sure nothing was ever going to happen to him. My unborn baby, which was so precious to me was now gone and I had this irrational fear that everything I loved and cared for was going to be taken away from me. I wanted to see Tanner, but my rational side told me I was over reacting and that Trent and I needed some time without any distractions to sort through things. We decided to have her keep him for the night.

When we came home all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and cry, and that is actually pretty much what happened. Trent and I talked and cried. We called family members and told them the news. We talked and I cried some more. I cried and cried and cried. I have never cried that hard before. I finally told myself after crying from about 2pm-7pm ish that I needed to get my mind off of things. I had a pounding headache from crying and it was starting to be really painful. I asked Trent for a priesthood blessing of comfort. He wanted to pray by himself before he gave me the blessing and when he went to go do that, I felt I too needed to pray to my Heavenly Father. There were two things I prayed for.

I told Heavenly Father that I wanted to know that the baby hadn’t died because of anything I had done. My midwife had told me that it is common for women to try to blame themselves when they lose their baby. She told me that I had not done anything wrong, and generally when the baby aborts it is because something is wrong genetically that wouldn’t have allowed the baby to live after being born. She was right and I had already started to try to blame myself. I had been thinking of everything that I had done around the time we think the baby had died. I actually had experienced some cramping two Mondays previous to the 30^th when we went in for the ultrasound. I thought I was just feeling bad, nothing big, I didn’t had any signs of blood or anything. Trent came home early from school to help me out because we thought I was just having a bad day. The next day I felt back to normal. The day I had experienced the cramping, would have put the baby a little over 16 weeks gestation. Which I think could be accurate to when he died if the baby were measuring small. I think that might have been when the baby died.

I will never know for sure, but I distinctly remember feeling him the Sat. and Sunday before that day, but not after. Anyway, I was thinking of everything I had done around that time that might have caused the baby to abort. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that I did around that time and I wanted to blame myself. I knew I was going to go crazy if I didn’t get some sort of confirmation that this wasn’t my fault.

The second thing I wanted to know was whether my baby’s body had received its spirit. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe that our spirits live on after death. After we are judged for our time on earth we are resurrected. When we are resurrected our spirits are reunited with our bodies in a perfected state. Couples who have been sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, and have been faithful in keeping their covenants will be reunited as families and continue to progress and grow. Those parents who have lost children to death on earth will be able to raise them during the millennium. So, if my baby had received its spirit it would be born under the covenant, because my husband and I have been sealed in the temple. This means that he is our son and we will be reunited with him after death. The hard thing about stillborn children is that there is no clear doctrine about when the spirit enters the body before birth. So if his spirit had entered his body he would be our son, but if not ….well it is all rather unclear, and there is no doctrine saying that he would be ours.

Trent gave me a blessing of comfort. Blessings are sacred and I don’t feel I should share much of what was said. The blessing did give me some peace and comfort and I learned that Heavenly Father was very aware of me and my needs. I knew that this experience I was going through would be for my good and it was part of His plan for me. Through these trials and tribulations I would learn what he needed me to learn, and become who he needed me to become. Afterward I felt at peace and that I should stop blaming myself. I felt that my question to know if my baby’s spirit had entered its body was something I would continue to need to pray about.

Trent and I had wanted to see the lights at Temple Square during Christmas and had not gone to see them. I thought that going there would help me think of the temple and take my mind off of the sadness I was feeling. We went and it helped a little, but I still kept thinking about the baby. Mainly because everywhere I turned while walking around temple square I would see a small baby or young child. This in turn made me think of our loss of the baby. We kept the visit pretty short. That night was a very rough one for me with little sleep. I was having a hard time knowing that the baby inside of me was no longer alive. It was instinct to place my hands on my tummy and think of my baby. Every time I did it was a harsh reminder that my baby was no longer alive.

Before leaving the midwifery on the 30^th, we had tried to schedule the D and E procedure with some important person at the University of Utah who had a great track record for performing this procedure. They recommended we go to him. The U of U had told us that we wouldn’t be able to get in until the following Tue., January 7^th. We actually were not able to finalize my apt. with them because they needed the approval of my midwife. By the time she had gotten the approval to them, they had not gotten back to her to confirm the apt. for the 7^th before we left her office that day. After such a hard night with no sleep, I knew that I would not be able to wait a whole week before performing the procedure. It was going to be too hard on me mentally, to have the baby inside of me for so long, knowing it was not alive.

The next morning I called around to see what could be done. Since it was the 31^st everywhere was closed. The midwifery was closed and the people we called at the University of Utah were closed. When I talked with the nice answering service lady at the U, and explained my story, she told me she would talk with the doctor that was on call there and see what she could do. I received a call from the on call doctor, I’m just going to call her Jill. Jill was very kind and helpful. I realized as I talked with her that I had a lot of unanswered questions which I had not thought to ask during my visit with my midwife because I was still in shock and denial at that time. After thinking for about a day on things I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to go through with a D and E procedure. Jill had explained it more fully and I realized that I would go to sleep for the procedure and when I woke up everything would be done and over with. I asked if I would be able to see the baby afterwards and she said that it most likely would not have come out in one piece and I probably wouldn’t want to see the baby.

I then asked about some of my concerns about delivering that baby and complications it could lead to. I learned that if I delivered the baby I would be able to see the baby, and possibly learn if it was a boy or girl. It also sounded like I could go into the labor and delivery unit at the U anytime I wanted to. Learning that going through the labor would allow me to see my baby, possibly learn of its sex, and then have an autopsy done to find out what might have caused the baby to abort really changed my outlook on things. It also would let me move things up so that I was not waiting till the 7^th. Jill told me she would contact people and see if they could get me into the U for the D and E procedure sooner, but that if I changed my mind and decided to go through with the labor to call her and let her know. She was truly and angel sent from Heaven. I talked with Trent about things and he sort of was leaning towards the D and E procedure because he was worried about things that could go wrong during the labor. He suggested that I go pray to know what decision I should make.

After some sincere prayer I felt I should go through with the Labor. I knew it was going to be harder physically, but I felt it would help me so much emotionally. I wanted to see my baby. After carrying it for four months I felt this was the only way for closure that would allow me to start the healing process. Trent supported me in my decision and we started to make more calls. I figured I should contact my midwife before going into labor at the U to see if she wanted me to go through the labor with her at St. Marks. The midwife on call at their office, contacted her and she contacted me. I was able to discuss things and it looked like I might wait till the 2^nd to go through the labor with her. However, as we were talking it was mentioned that I had started some chest pain the night of the 30^th and had been feeling cold and hot. I explained to her that I thought the chest pain was muscular, but she told me that we couldn’t risk thinking it was one thing and possibly have it be another. Since it was likely the baby had been dead for a few weeks, it was possible that I was starting an infection or had a blood clot. She told me I couldn’t wait and needed to go straight to the OB Emergency Services at the University of Utah hospital.

At the time I was talking with her over the phone, Tanner was home with us. My sister had brought him to us and she told me to call her if I need her to come back and get him. Things were up in the air when she came by to drop him off and she was going to take her kids to McDonald’s saying to call her if I needed her to come back shortly and pick him back up. It was wonderful to have seen Tanner before I had to go to the hospital, even if it was just for about an hour. That helped me a bit emotionally. Trent quickly contacted a friend from the ward to come over so that I could receive a blessing of healing. This blessing too gave me comfort, but also helped me feel confident that things were going to be okay physically. I was told to proceed forth with the decision I had made. I was also told that the doctors performing the procedures would be directed to know what to do and that I would have minor complications, and a quick recovery. Other things were said that brought me great comfort as well.

I figured that if they didn’t find any complications with an infection or blood clot that they would most likely be willing to start the labor there at the U so I quickly packed a bag with a few things and we hurried over to the OB Emergency Services. They checked my vitals and everything was fine. Jill, the doctor on call who had talked with me over the phone came into our room to visit with us. It was a tender mercy from the Lord to meet with her and have her explain how things with the labor would proceed forth.

The staff at the University of Utah was amazing! When we arrived at the Labor and Delivery room everyone was really, really, really, nice. It is such a hard, tender thing to deliver a baby you know is already dead and will not be crying to greet you when you finally deliver them. We had to fill out some paper work, which wasn't easy. It was for his death certificate, what we wanted to do with his body, etc. I handed it to Trent. I felt overloaded and didn't want to look at it. The doctor came in to explain what was going to happen. He told us that the labor progresses usually slow at first and then the baby is born really fast. He told me he could look at the baby first and explain to me how the baby looked, that way I wouldn’t be shocked to see it. He said that since the baby had been dead for a while there might be some swelling in the brain and it might have more of a brownish color of skin. He tried to prep me mentally for what was about to come.

They were kind and gave us some food to eat. They even gave Trent food from the cafeteria. That never happens during a delivery, if you are lucky they will give your husband 1 meal. Not in this situation. For both of us, they were willing to get us whatever we needed or wanted. It was nice not to worry about finances and him spending money or leaving me to go to the cafeteria to get food. I felt like I couldn't let him go anywhere. I wanted him with me the whole time. I had a hard time if he was going to the little mini bar thing just to get a juice. They told us that the medication would make me start to cramp and if at any time I wanted an epidural they would get me one. They told us that it seems really slow, like nothing is happening, and then pain gets really intense and the baby suddenly comes.

After the first dose of medication I asked the nurse when I would start hurting. She told me that usually you feel it within the first hour. As time went on I felt that I was doing pretty well. I didn't feel that bad. I was cramping a little, but it was tolerable. Trent and I had learned that the baby would most likely need to be cremated with a blanket so they would have enough ashes to keep. The baby had only grown to the size of a 15 week old. Like I said earlier though, I think I was about 16 weeks when he probably aborted. With him being so small they would need a blanket to help get more ashes. The hospital would provide one, but we started to think about what we could give the baby to be cremated with. I wanted the baby to have something from us so that he knew we loved him and cared for him, for the little time he was with us on the earth.

Trent and I discussed different things we could give the baby and decided that Trent would go home to get the material remnants from the quilt I had just made him for Christmas. The print was of dinosaurs and monsters. We thought every kid could use some dinosaurs and monsters, this way he would know we loved him and wanted to give something to him. Plus, we would have Trent's quilt to remind us of the baby when we saw the monsters and dinosaurs. I had a hard time letting Trent go. I told him to hurry real fast. I knew that since I had just started the medicine I would be fine until he came back, but emotionally I didn't want him to be gone long from me. He hurried and came back shortly, thank goodness. I got a second dose four hours later, this was around 10pm. I wasn't cramping that bad and I liked that I could get up and move around because I hadn’t gotten an epidural yet.

After the second dose we tried to sleep. The cramping started to increase a little but I wasn't sure if I wanted the epidural. They said it can happen suddenly so I didn't want to miss my window, but part of me was thinking, I am not hurting that bad so should I get one? I am very much of the natural approach to birth, no epidural. I had to remind myself that what I was going through wasn’t the normal natural process so maybe I should get the epidural. I didn't sleep very soundly. Around the time for a third dose I talked to the nurse about my concerns. She was pretty much for the epidural because you don't feel much pain till the baby is about to come, then it is too late, and you feel strong pain, and then are hit hard emotionally when your stillborn baby comes out. I was afraid of complications from an epidural, yet I was worried about not getting one. I didn't think I could handle both the physical and emotional pain. I wanted to be totally with it mentally when the baby came so that it was a sweet experience I could remember. I was on the fence and unsure of what to do. Finally I decided that I knew I wanted to be able to focus on the baby when it came out, so I should get the epidural. The nurse thought that was a good idea. She thought it would also help me get some rest before the baby came. Things went fine with the epidural and I sort of slept afterward.

I tried to sleep, but I was worried I wouldn't feel the baby come out because of the epidural. This thought made me keep going in and out of sleep. At one point during the night I heard a baby crying. There was a new baby that had been born in a nearby room. That was a really hard moment for me. I cried for a good while and Trent tried to comfort me. It was so hard to hear a sweet baby crying, while I was laying there waiting to deliver my stillborn child.

Finally after waiting and waiting, I had the nurse check me. I wasn't sure if the baby was there or if I was just starting to bleed a lot. They were happy because it was showing that the water sack and everything was in tack. This gives you the best result for looking at the baby and making sure you got everything out during the delivery. I was told they didn't want to make me push because it could break the bag so we should keep waiting. I felt like Heavenly Father was watching over me and things were going to go okay during the delivery. About another hour went by and I was feeling more blood. I hadn't felt pressure, but I was feeling blood. They checked me and said that with me losing more blood I would need to start pushing. After two pushes the baby came. It was January 1, 2014 at 6:09am. I was calm and I didn't feel any pain. The doctor explained that the baby did look similar to what he had previously explained, there was some swelling on the brain and its skin was a little brownish looking.

They asked if I was ready to see the baby and then they gave him to me. They had laid him on one of those hospital blankets with the different baby hand prints and foot prints. They told me it was a boy, and showed me his private parts that had started to develop. Then they gently handed me my baby boy. He was so tiny and fragile. I was worried I would hurt him when I held him. I used both of my hands, one lined up above the other to hold and support all of his body. He was 5 3/4 in. long and weighed 1.94 ounces.

I don't exactly know how to explain the emotions or the feelings. I was crying silent tears and couldn't take my eyes off of the baby. I could see his face features, his little ribs, his legs and arms, his tiny hands and feet, 10 perfect fingers and toes. They asked if we wanted some time alone. We said yes and they told us to press the nurse’s button when we were ready for them to take the baby. It felt so still and sacred in that hospital room. Trent and I said a prayer. I don't remember exactly what was said, I believe I prayed for us to heal and I prayed for us to know if this baby was ours to raise later on. I also prayed for the baby to be watched over. I don't remember exactly what was said, but there was a spirit of sweet peace in the room. I just held our sweet baby boy and soaked in the feeling of peace. After some time we had them come back to take our sweet baby boy. After this the nurse soon came back to our room and asked what we were going to name the baby.

It hadn't really dawned on me to think of a name, it makes sense though, since we were filling out a death certificate. Trent and I had decided not to discuss names until we found out the sex of the baby from the ultrasound and then things had changed so suddenly at that time. The nurse also mentioned, in a sweet way to prepare me, that the medical assistant, might not be able to get the molds of the hand prints or foot prints. She said the baby was just so tiny and his bones weren't that strong yet. I know she was trying to be kind and help me prepare for that possible disappointment. Inside I knew that’s what she was doing and I so desperately wanted to have hand prints and foot prints to remember the baby by. I said a very sincere silent prayer pleading to Heavenly Father that they would be able to get hand prints and foot prints. I wanted them so badly to remember him by.

Trent and I started to discuss names. I started to think of the previous list of boy names we had made when we were thinking of naming Tanner. I suggested a few of them, and then Trent out of nowhere said "Jordan." In my head I thought, "Jordan, where did that come from?" It wasn't a name we had previously discussed. I asked Trent where Jordan had come from. He said, "That is where you got your answer to marry me, in the Jordan River Temple." (That was true. Trent and I had been discussing marriage for a while and I had been praying to know if I should marry him. One evening I went to the Jordan River Temple after work with that specific question on my mind and the answer came very clearly that I should marry Trent. I told him that night that I had received an answer, and that it would be okay if he were to propose to me in the near future. He had already told me he wanted to marry me; he was just waiting for me to make up my mind). When Trent explained it, "That is where you got your answer to marry me, in the Jordan River Temple," I felt something special in my heart, and everything felt right. I knew that every time I thought of Jordan, this special name would tie my thoughts to the temple and the covenants Trent and I had made there. It felt so right! I have no doubt in my mind that us naming our baby boy "Jordan" was inspired and meant to be.

As things progressed post labor, we were still waiting for the placenta to detach from the uterus. They kept checking me, weighing bloody towels, etc. This went on for about two hours. They came in to explain that it was looking like I needed to go through with the D and C procedure. They were coming to us from an asking point, and we told them we were okay if we needed to. I didn't really care what I had to go through afterward, I just wanted to see my baby and I had already had that experience so I was okay with whatever else needed to happen physically. After we told them our feelings they said, “yeah, we pretty much have to do the procedure now. You have lost a liter of blood and we can't wait any longer for things to progress on their own.”

The D and C procedure is similar to the D and E procedure I would have gone through, if I had chosen too, but I did the labor instead. The D and E means they are removing the baby and a lot of other things. The D and C procedure is more just placenta or a few remaining things being removed. Around this time the epidural had worn off and I started to feel cramping. The anesthesiologist gave me some stronger meds. This made my legs fill numb and weird, but I could still feel the cramping, I started to feel hot, and I felt like I might throw-up but mainly I felt like I would pass out. I think this was because of the blood loss and also hearing the news of going to the OR. I was losing color in my face and my sweet nurse started waving alcohol wipes under my nose to help me feel a little better. She also gave me oxygen to hold to my mouth as I felt it was needed.

She told me she was going to try to get the doctors to get things together so we could get going to the OR. She left Trent with the alcohol wipes to help me. The doctors had just changed shifts and they needed about 6 different doctors to do the procedure. Trent had to stay in the room, but thankfully Jill was back on duty so it was nice to have her familiar face in the OR. Since I had chosen an epidural they were able to drug me up quickly through it for the procedure and I was able to be coherent through the whole thing. They generally give you some medicine to help you feel loopy so you don’t know what is going on. I was calm though and the anesthesiologist who was with me didn’t feel it was needed. That was a blessing from Heavenly Father. I was very calm during everything in the OR room. I wanted to be coherent and I was so grateful they didn’t give me any other medications. The procedure went really well and I believe the doctors were being directed to know what to do. The bleeding stopped shortly after the D and C, but in total I had lost about 1 and ¼ liters of blood. They told me I would be doing some blood work in a little bit to see if I need a blood transfusion.

I was so tired when I got back to the room. I talked with Trent for a little bit, but soon fell asleep. I had asked him to go make some calls to family members. When I woke up Trent was gone and the nurse had come back to see if I wanted to see the baby again. I told her I did. Trent isn’t a huge fan of seeing certain things, and he had told me before the baby was born that he wasn’t sure he wanted to see the baby with it being dead. He did end up seeing the baby, but I didn’t think he would want to see the baby again, and I did so, this timing was just right. I wanted to hold him one last time. The nurse brought him in. He was wrapped in a small dinosaur blanket, with a beautiful crocheted edge. It was sweet to see him wrapped up so cozy.

She asked if I wanted the blanket to remember him by. I wanted him to have it. He would be cremated with that along with the material remnants of the monsters and dinosaurs we had given him. I asked if they might have another blanket like that one he was in. That way we would have one to remember him by, but he would have one to be cremated and then buried with. She said she would go check. I let her know I was okay with her taking him back. It was so nice to hold him one last time.

She gave me a box with some sweet things inside of it to help us remember Jordan by. They were able to get the molds of the hands and feet. I was so grateful that they were able to do that! What a blessing to have those. Such a tender mercy from Heavenly Father! Those molds, plus some other sweet things like a small stuffed animal, etc were in the box. They had also taken pictures of his hands and feet and made a sweet little baby announcement/death announcement thing. She did find me a blanket just like the one he had and I placed it in the box too. Trent came back and I showed him everything. Now when I want to remember Jordan I pull out his special box and can reflect and think on him.

I was transferred to another room, they did blood work to check my hematocrit levels, and we waited. My parents by this time had taken over watching Tanner for us. They were sweet enough to bring him for me to see for a little bit. Another tender mercy, Tanner was helping me keep sane during this all. Thankfully my blood levels were okay so I did not have to go through with a blood transfusion. Another wonderful blessing! I would just have to take it easy until I started to feel better. They released me that night from the hospital.

Since delivering Jordan at the hospital I feel we have been healing, both physically and emotionally. The Sunday following Jordan’s delivery was a very special day. Trent and I did a joint fast for comfort and to receive a confirmation that Jordan is ours, to know that we will be able to raise him later. During church a sweet young boy from the ward, 3yrs of age, stood and bore his testimony. Out of the mouth of a babe came the words I knew were true and I myself had wanted to express. He said, “Heavenly Father loves us, and it will all be okay.” I had felt the need to bare my testimony, but I was worried I wouldn’t have the strength emotionally to do it that day. After this boys testimony I knew all I had to do was stand and testify of that simple truth, which he had shared. I knew it to be true and that after testifying of this the Spirit would help me to know what else to say. I bore testimony that Heavenly Father does love us. He is aware of us and knows our needs personally. All we have to remember is that in the end it will all be okay.

Through this whole experience I have wanted to get a strong confirmation to know that Jordan’s body did receive his spirit. I personally believe that he did. I believe that because I have felt him move inside of me. I believe it because he was named by inspiration, and I don’t feel that he would have been given a name if he wasn’t going to be ours in the future. I didn’t mention this anywhere earlier, but Jordan was also born on my grandma Loveridge’s birthday. I was very close with my grandmother while she was living, and when she passed away I had some special experiences that let me know without a doubt that her spirit lives on and she will one day be resurrected. I feel that it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father that Jordan was born on her birthday. It is a reminder to me of the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to raise our spirits from the dead to one day be resurrected. I also feel she will love him and watch over him until Trent and I are able to be reunited with him.

All of these experiences have brought me peace and helped me to feel that Jordan will be ours. I have asked multiple times for a confirmation, but have not received one. I believe instead that God is trying to teach me something else of great importance. Through this all he has showed me his love and given me his peace and comfort. I have felt greatly of his love! The answer that has come instead of a confirmation is that I need to put my trust in Him. I need to trust Him, and show Him that I believe all things will work together in the end for my good. He is a loving and just God. I just need to put my trust in him, believing that one day I will be reunited with Jordan. As I show forth my trust and continue in faith, I believe a confirmation may come in time. If not and things don’t work out quite how I expected, I know that I will receive a just reward and will be happy in the end. Through our trials we can choose to be bitter and turn from God or we can choose to have a broken heart and turn to put our trust in God. I testify that as we turn to him we will find peace and happiness amidst the trials we experience. I am grateful that this experience with Jordan has brought us closer together as a family and also helped us to become closer to God. I thank Jordan for teaching us these things.

Some days are hard. It is hard because of things we had hoped would be. It is hard to think that in about four months, when Jordan was due, there will not be the presence of a sweet new baby in our home. It is hard to think that right now we will not see him grow and develop into his own little person. It hurts that Tanner will not have a little buddy close in age to play with, like we had planned on. When I think of how things might have been, it is hard. Like the first time I washed Tanner’s Sunday outfit after Jordan’s death I cried. We had purposefully bought that outfit so it would be big on Tanner. That way when it was time for the baby’s blessing it would fit Tanner perfectly. Seeing it was a reminder that Tanner would not be wearing it for the baby’s blessing. Little things like that bring up those feelings of sadness, and I think of what was going to be. Those moments are becoming less painful though as we go through the grief cycle and start to increase our faith in Heavenly Father and his plan for us.  

I am so grateful for the love and support all have given. There has truly been an outpouring of love! I have seen the Saviors love and acts of service through his angels on earth who are among us. Thank you for the calls, for the flowers which have been sent, for the visits, for the random goodies left at our door with notes of comfort. There have been emails with words of encouragement and links/talks to read. Thank you to the many sisters in the ward who provided so many meals and have often watched Tanner so I can rest and recover physically. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am learning how to become more like my Savior through seeing your kind acts of service and love. I especially want to thank Trent for the love and support he has given me. Thank you for holding me tight, and for talking through sleepless nights with me. I have seen your silent example of quiet willingness to submit to God’s will, and then move forward with faith in Him. Thank you for being the amazing husband and father you are! I love you and will forever!

Trent and I have not finalized everything concerning baby Jordan’s remains. It appears if all goes according to plan that we will have his cremated remains buried next to my Grandma and Grandpa Loveridge’s burial place in the Lehi cemetery. We will likely keep things small with just a few close family members attending some sort of graveside service. We love our baby Jordan and are grateful for how he has and will continue to be a part of our lives. 

Jordan's Box

Christmas Morning!

We had to wake tanner up to open presents! Mom and dad couldn't wait past 7:30am to start things. I don't think tanner appreciated the flash....lol. It turned out to be a great morning photo. We'll probably tease him about it when he's older :)

Tanner quickly found the stocking and brought me a bag of candy saying, "open." He was pretty happy I gave him the whole piece to eat. He's my kid! Loves candy just like mama!

Tanner was very excited about his horse! We should probably call it a pony though, since it is pink. Trent and I couldn't turn down the great deal. It was a tender mercy from heaven. I had been thinking of getting tanner a pony, but they were pretty expensive. When we were at Toys R Us looking for a few things for Trina's kids for Christmas that were on sale, we came across this beauty in the clearance bin. ONLY $10, normally sells for $100. It was totally fine, just had a ripped box. We figured Tanner wont care that the horse was pink until he is old enough that he no loner wants to ride it anyways. So we figured it was a good deal. Count your blessings and be grateful! Even if it is pink. He was so excited to get it that he sat on it before dad could put it together. Too cute!

Trent finally convinced me to make him a blanket. He chose the material, dinosaurs and monsters. Thank you aunt Darla for helping me tie it!

I also made Trent a book from Tanner. I wrote the story, "Why My Daddy is the Best!" Tanner did the artwork. He's good at scribbling! I've included a few more pictures of fun things Tanner received for Christmas. We had a very enjoyable Christmas!