I decided that it was about time to share the good news! We
have so much to be grateful for! Baby BOY is past the second trimester and
is still growing strong. We’re praying we will be blessed to have him join our
family come end of JANUARY. Some miracles are seen while others are unseen,
but I testify that because of our Savior, Jesus Christ there are miracles all around
us. Sometimes we just need help in opening our eyes to realize them. I will
share more about “Miracles” during the second part of this post. If you want a
shorter read – just skip to that part. To begin though, I thought I would share
a little about our Journey.
The Journey
For those of you who have not read past post about our story,
here is the shorter version. I had a very typical 1st pregnancy, a 41
week delivery of a healthy boy. That miracle is our son Tanner. We wanted a lot
of children and got pregnant soon afterward with our 2nd. We wanted
them close together, there would have only be 21 months between the Tanner and
our second child. However, during our gender ultrasound for baby number 2 they
told me that baby’s heart was no longer beating and he was dead. It basically
hit me like a ton of bricks. We induced labor and on January 1, 2014 I
delivered our son, Jordan at 19 weeks. It felt like my heart literally
broke, I didn’t know someone could experience that much pain and sorrow.
On April 21, 2014 I experienced a 6 week miscarriage. I
struggled around this time not to become bitter toward Heavenly Father. Trent
and I had felt prompted to try again for another child and then to lose that
baby so soon after becoming pregnant, I couldn’t help but question “Why?” It was
a very hard time for me.
Following this baby’s loss it took us a little longer to get
pregnant. When we finally did get pregnant the doctors monitored the baby
closely. Sadly though, at 16 weeks (again in the second trimester), during
another ultrasound, they told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I delivered
our son Zion, on January 10, 2015, just 1 year and 9 days after I had delivered
Jordan.
To tell you that this pregnancy, our 5th
pregnancy, has not been hard...would be a lie. Here is a little info on what we
have been going through. Obviously during all of our losses we began to see
specialist. We went through 2 specialist and 3 losses before we found out what
was/is likely going on.
When we went to a third specialist, we FINALLY got some
answers. Thanks goodness! Believe me, there is nothing more frustrating than
feeling like you are trying to do everything in your power to have a healthy
baby and the specialist can give you no explanations or answers as to why your
babies keep dying.
This specialist, our current doctor, feels that I likely have a placental
development problem. Tanner had a good placenta, so his pregnancy went just
fine. I lost both Jordan and Zion in the 2nd trimester, this is when
the placenta takes over. They did not have good placentas. With the placenta
not working baby doesn’t get the blood to their heart that they need, they die,
and stop growing. We had autopsies done on both boys. They both came back
having 46xy chromosomes, and no atypical features. By all accounts and purposes
they should have been growing just fine. They didn’t though because their
placentas didn’t work. They also had found scaring on Jordan’s placenta which
would indicate it likely wasn’t able to get good blood flow to the baby. The
doctor told us they have no idea what goes into the development of the
placenta. We don’t know if it is just the type of eggs I have, or if it has
something to do with hormones, or what.
They have no idea what causes placental development, but
they do know from studies that have been done that if you take Heparin, a drug
that is a blood thinner, it helps increase placental growth. He said that by
doing nothing and trying to have another baby I likely would have about a 60%
chance that my baby would get a good placenta (like Tanner did) and live. In my
mind this seemed a little hopeful since I had experienced 4 pregnancies and
only had one living child. I felt as if I had more like a 25% chance. He said
that by taking the heparin I likely had about a 65% chance of things going well
with the next pregnancy. We of course wanted to increase my chances and decided
to go the heparin route. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test at 4 weeks
I started the heparin. I take two shots a day. In case you’re wondering the
shots add up. I’m now 30 weeks along so I have given myself over 350 shots.
After giving myself the first shot I cried. I laid down on
the couch and bawled for like 15 minutes. Note to reader: Heparin shots sting,
it bruises you and leave knots under your skin. For a long time now, my stomach
has been covered in bruises and tender with knots.
As I took my first shot I felt completely overwhelmed. How
could I give myself 2 shots a day for the next 8 months? It didn’t help that I
had also seen a counselor that day (this was around the 1 year mark for
Jordan’s due date, and near the due date for Zion. It hurt that Jordan was not with us and would not be here turning one, and that Zion was not going to be joining our family soon. I was starting to struggle
emotionally. I was becoming anxious and less happy than what I felt was normal,
so we thought it best that I seek help and work though some of the grief I was
experiencing because of our losses. Thankfully I attended a few sessions and
got back to where I felt I should be emotionally).
Anyway, that day I told the counselor that I was pregnant
and she told me that I needed to fight through my pregnancy paranoia. I had
told her that I felt like if I did anything, if I lifted Tanner, or if I
cleaned the house with cleaning supplies, or if I ate this or that, or if I exercised,
etc. I could hurt the baby. She told me that I needed to follow the guidelines
the doctors had given me, but that when a worry came up if it wasn’t realistic
I needed to push it aside and work through it. Do the thing that I was afraid
of. If I didn’t in my mind I would continue to run down those wrong neural
pathways and make them stronger…and then it wouldn’t matter if I delivered a
healthy baby, I would have created these bad pathways and still be struggling
with some paranoia.
It all just felt so overwhelming that night I had given
myself the first shot. How was I going to handle the shots, work through the
paranoia, and also deal with the sickness of pregnancy? Over the past 2 years I had already been
pregnant between all three pregnancies for around 40 weeks, 9 months. I had felt
sick, my body kept changing physically, and I had to face the grief of losing each
one of these 3 precious babies. It all just felt so unfair, so hard. I was
starting another pregnancy and I didn’t even know if my baby would survive
after I carried them for the next 5 months and after I had gone through all of
this stuff physically and emotionally.
That was me at the beginning of my pregnancy. I was a
struggle and I have struggled off and on throughout the whole pregnancy.
However, I do want to mention that while I have struggled I have also felt
peace. From the minute I received a positive pregnancy test I have felt the
Spirit prompting me that this is right. I have felt a confirmation that this is
in line with God’s will for me and my life at this time. I have not felt like I
have been told what the outcome of my pregnancy will be, but that my life is in
line with God’s will.
Since becoming pregnant I feel like God gives me peace, but that
I needed to walk by faith during this time. I need to trust in Him and his plan
for me. That is what I try to focus on. Feeling and being at peace knowing my
life was in line with God’s will. Every day I try to remind myself of that.
That no matter the outcome of my pregnancy, it is His will, and he is going to help
me through whatever happens.
I have had some good days and some bad days. Obviously you
have to fight though all of the paranoia from previous losses, so there are
some things that just feel hard. I wonder constantly if my baby is still
alive and growing, or if his heart had stopped beating. In the beginning the
doctor had me visit every 2 weeks with an ultrasound to help me feel calm and
be reassured that the baby was alive. Then around week 14-17 I went in every
week, because this is around the time I lost the boys, so it helped me to be
reassured that this baby still had a heartbeat. After this point they recommended
that I buy a doppler because he was big enough now that I could hear his heartbeat
on my own at home. Then I could just use the doppler and check daily for reassurance. Now at 30 weeks he is very active and I feel him move often, but I still check every night to hear
his heartbeat and know that is is still beating strong and things are going okay. Here's a picture of me using the doppler that I use every night before I go to bed.
Around week 18 they told me things were really looking good.
The placenta has taken over by this point and with baby still alive, it was a
good indication that the placenta was working well. If he has a good placenta he
should hopefully keep growing well. They are measuring his growth regularly to
be sure that the placenta continues to function well. If he slows down in
growth or the fluid decreases than it would be a sign things aren’t going well
anymore with the placenta. Now that I am 30 weeks and he could likely survive
outside of the womb, if the placenta looks like it is going south, they would
induce labor and get him out.
It’s been a roller-coaster for sure. I find myself still
struggling to attach to the baby. I worry that if I believe my baby will make
it here and let myself get excited that I will suddenly lose him. My instinct
is to guard my heart. There are also some feelings you battle after loss. Like
betrayal to Jordan or Zion. Like this baby might fill the void of me wanting
them here. I love my babies and have grieved for each one individually. They
were each their own person and you don’t want that love for them to diminish.
It’s sort of weird and hard to explain, but it isn’t all cake. I’m working
through a LOT of emotions.
To even think of what it might be like to deliver
this baby alive makes me want to cry. The emotions seem too strong and
overwhelming. I imagine I am going to be wreck in the delivery room once this
little boy makes it into my arms. Here is a letter I wrote to him the other
day. CLICK HERE if you want to read it. I couldn’t sleep one night and wrote
this. It sort of shows where a women is coming from after multiple pregnancy
losses. It’s entitled, “Little One – Come Into My Arms.”
Okay, I hope that was sort of clear. I’m not the best at
writing, but hopefully it gives you some insight into how things have been.
I figure it’s about time I get onto the important stuff and actually share what
I want to share with you through this post.
MIRACLES
As we have gone through this journey I have learned a lot of
really important things. During this time I have on occasion found myself
sitting in church listening to another church member share about their miracle.
“How their baby had been saved during a complicated delivery, or how this
person had been healed from cancer, etc.” I would sit and listen, but inside I
felt like I wanted to cringe, everything they were saying made me almost upset.
“Why had their miracle happened and mine had not?” I had plead and prayed for
my baby/babies to live, but they hadn’t. Why does one man die from cancer and
another live? I began to think more and more about the word “miracle” and what it
even means.
First I learned that some things in life are just simply in
line with God’s will or they are not. In time I began to realize that what I
wanted wasn’t what God wanted for me. No matter how hard I prayed and plead, or
cried, for something to happen, if it wasn’t in line with God’s will for me than
it likely is not going to happen. I began to learn to pray differently. To
pray for His will instead of my own, to pray for help in understanding His will
and His timing. Sometimes we are meant to pass through trials in this life to
prove ourselves and show our faith.
Second, I learned to look at miracles in a new light. Someone
is not likely, for example, to look at the loss of my 19 week old son, Jordan
and say, “a miracle has occurred.” They would likely think that, the baby didn’t
live, that was what I had wanted to happen and it had not, and so there was no
miracle, end of story.
However, if you look at it differently I believe a
miracle has occurred. Through of the atonement of Jesus Christ the resurrection
is made possible. I have felt the Spirit teaching me that I will see my son
again. He will live again and I will have the chance to raise him during the millennium.
Because of my son’s death and through the power of the resurrection I will be
reunited with him. To me that is a miracle.
It’s how we look at things. Do we look at them eternally? If
we look at the situation eternally and understand the power of the Atonement of
Christ than suddenly there are miracles all around us.
Along with Jordan’s miracle has come many more if I open my
eyes and just look. What about the miracle of the change that has taken
place in ME because of his loss? As I’ve experienced his loss I have gained
insight into how to love and better serve others, how to empathize more, how to
be more compassionate. That change is a miracle, and it only took place because
of Jordan’s loss.
What about the miracle of growing closer to my Savior Jesus
Christ? As I’ve gone through the pain and sorrow from Jordan’s loss I have come
to turn to Him for strength and succor. I know him better now than I ever have
before. Again, that would not have occurred if I had not lost Jordan. My
understanding of the Saviors’ atonement has deepened. All of this is a miracle,
a wonderful miracle.
Obviously I could go into a lot of examples about miracles, such as miracles surrounding Zion's death, etc, but I hope the point has been made. It can be so easy to look at a situation and feel that a miracle
has not taken place. However, I testify that if we will pray for eyes to see
and a heart to understand that the Spirit can help us see miracles all around us.
These miracles are made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is
my Savior. I love Him and am amazed at the love and grace he offers me.
I wanted to share this quote from Elder Oaks talk, "Strengthened by the Atonement of Jesus Christ." " 'Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot cure.' What cures us is our Savior and His Atonement." I know this is true. We are meant to pass through trials in mortality, but amidst these trials are the miracles because of Jesus. He is our cure.
In his talk, "Make the Exercise of Faith Your First Priority" Elder Richard G Scott said, "Challenges help us become more like our Father in Heaven, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible to endure those challenges. I testify that as we actively come unto Him, we can endure every temptation, every heartache, every challenge we face,"
To end I wanted to share this song. I couldn't find a link with just the lyrics, so this video will have to do. They put the music to one of the bible videos from the newer series that the LDS church recently put out. It's a good video, but really try to focus on the words from the song. It's a powerful song.
I'm so grateful for my Savior and the miracles that surround me because of His perfect atonement!
I wanted to share this quote from Elder Oaks talk, "Strengthened by the Atonement of Jesus Christ." " 'Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot cure.' What cures us is our Savior and His Atonement." I know this is true. We are meant to pass through trials in mortality, but amidst these trials are the miracles because of Jesus. He is our cure.
In his talk, "Make the Exercise of Faith Your First Priority" Elder Richard G Scott said, "Challenges help us become more like our Father in Heaven, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible to endure those challenges. I testify that as we actively come unto Him, we can endure every temptation, every heartache, every challenge we face,"
To end I wanted to share this song. I couldn't find a link with just the lyrics, so this video will have to do. They put the music to one of the bible videos from the newer series that the LDS church recently put out. It's a good video, but really try to focus on the words from the song. It's a powerful song.
I'm so grateful for my Savior and the miracles that surround me because of His perfect atonement!
