Little One - Come Into my Arms

October 26, 2015

Little One - Come Into my Arms

To my new little one,

           I find myself awake again, so many thoughts going through my mind. Why do I wake up at 3am and ponder until 4am? Why wont the thoughts stop racing so I can find rest? I write this letter to you hoping to work through all of this craziness.

           As I lay in bed I feel you move inside of my tummy. It is such an amazing, wonderful, indescribable phonaminan. For over the last two and a half years I have hoped to feel such a miracle. I was pregnant Fall of 2013 with you brother Jordan, and then in Summer of 2014 with Zion. Sadly, though I carried both of them for about 4-5 months, I never really got to feel them move that much inside of me. They were taken too soon from me. So, as I feel you move so much inside of me my mind races with so many thoughts.

           I feel you move and I wonder, “Could you REALLY come into my arms?” You have grown so much further than they did. The doctors tell me my chances of losing you have gone down, way down. So why do I struggle to believe them and just let my heart open up to love you and hope for you?

           I see you often during the ultrasounds. The doctors are monitoring closely to make sure things continue to go well. I see you sweet little profile. I love to look at your darling legs crossed over one another as you are curled up in the fetal position. They find your tiny feet and perfect, wonderful, 10 little toes. I see how much you like to curl up. They tell me you will love to be swaddled when you are here. They say your legs are getting long and I can’t help but wonder, “How long will they be when you get here?” They show me your heart with 4 chambers, beating so powerfully. Why do I keep wondering daily if that heart will continue to beat? I do not want to lose you little one.           

           I want to have you join our family here. Your dad and I want to hold you and snuggle you. I want to be there to calm your cries, change your diapers, and watch you grow. I wonder who you will look like. Will you have your dad’s nose? Your mothers eyes?

           My heart is struggling to believe that you could really be ours. I am working on letting my guard down, and opening up my heart. I know I need to open my heart. It’s just that it has been hurt a lot in the past by your brother’s losses. I am afraid to open up and let you in for fear of losing you. I love you.

           Please know that you are so desperately wanted, and though I struggle to attach, for fear of loss, please know you are still loved. Still loved and very much wanted. I cannot comprehend the joy your father and I will feel as you make your debut into this world. Until then I will continue to try to open my heart and hope that you will make it into my arms. Please, please come into my arms. 

                    

–With all my love,

your mother